I have been having self confidence issues over the past couple of days. I just feel that I am not good looking enough to actually get something good to happen to me. I realize that a lot of the time that I have been left simply for someone better looking. I know that sounds like normal bitching from me, but that is just how I've been feeling over the past few days.

You know what pisses me off though? The people that leave little love messages in their status for everyone to see. Do those people really think that others want or care what cute little message that your significant other left you? Do you think people really care how much you care about your little other? No, people really don't. We're not in high school anymore. It isn't cute, it just makes you look like a egocentric freak that thinks their relationship should be front and center.

And before you think that I'm just being a lonely curmudgeon, I do have a girlfriend. But do I go around spreading things like "I've waited 21 1/2 years for you?" No you don't. I may mention her in here, but nothing like that. Plus the one's that normally do this are the couples that only have a few weeks under their belts.

Long story short no one gives a shit about how cute you think your little relationship is.

Again, not much is going on in my life.

I went and saw my shrink today. He said I'm doing better. I feel better, and so on and so forth. I hopefully will be off my medication soon. Hopefully I won;t go back into a stupor like that last time, and end up in the same hole.

I'm trying to get a loan to go to school, but I just got rejected from one of the groups that I tried. Fuck, if I can't get three grand to finish off my associates then how in the hell am I going to 15000 to go to mortician's school?

I've been thinking about my job at Meijer alot lately, and am really hoping to find a new place. No such luck yet, but I have a feeling that if I can't get the money to go to school I'm going to be stuck there for quite a while. That is one thing that will push me over the edge is being stuck working for a shit-hole place like Meijer or Wal-mart or Kroger's for the rest of my life. I don't think I could take that lack of ambition and that forced lifestyle for long.

I guess I jsut need to sinch my belt even tighter and do my best to save up what I can for school.

Alright, I'm really tired. I worked until midnight, and had to get up early for my other job.

I saw Katie again Thursday. I'm glad that despite how I think I keep screwing up, things are going very well.

I hate my job more and more as the days go on. crazy hours, shitty work... yadda yadda yadda.

Nothing to new...

I've seriously had it up to here with Meijer. I feel like I'm working for a bunch of old folks that lost their sense of hope and direction a long time ago. I stopped the other day and looked at how long some of those people have been there. Some of them have been there for Thirty years! I don't want to get stuck there like that. I know that I will be leaving for Illinois soon, but still I have to get out of there. The shifts are just draining me, I get confused when I see sunlight! Can you imagine that? Waking up one day, looking outside, noticing it's midday and thinkng you are late for work? All I do anymore is clean that place, and get bitched at. They are even starting to bitch about things that aren't even my fault.

Such As:
-Meat Cutters not get finished on time
-Not staying later than my shift to stock product,
-Stocking too much product (I am not making this up.)
-Not making sure the meat cutter's knives are put away.
-The Night Manager not coming to check me out after I call them.
-The Meat Cutter not getting their Grind Sheet done.
-Night manager losing the Grind Sheet.
-Showing a customer the lobsters, when the guy in the training video did it and the video said it was cool.
-Wrapping machine not working correctly

Now I'll admit, I have done my fair share of goofing off. like tomorrow I'm going to get reprimanded for the sticker incident. (I stuck some price stickers on my face to get a laugh out of customers.) So that sort of thing I'm willing to admit. But when the night manager fucks up, they can't yell at him so they get on the little guy.

Katie Kat is a little upset with me. I accidently insulted her guest, didn't mean to, but I did. Hopefully she'll be over it by Thursday, if not I'm not going to sweat it. I'm out of here soon enough.

anyway, I'm going to fill out some more job applications.

Been a while since I updated this thing. The simple reason is that there is nothing going on. I feel pretty good actually and nothing worth mentioning has happened recently. If I think of something that I want to type about I might do it later, but this is just a little post letting everyone know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth yet.

I haven't been writing much in this mainly because of the fact that nothing really interesting happened over those days. Today was different though. Today, I hung out with Carly.

I'm going to skip all the specifics of where we went and what we did because frankly it's not important. But as I dropped her off at the end off the night, I couldn't help but be saddened. Here she is, the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that I wanted to wisk away somewhere, telling another man "I love you." It was hard to hear, those words coming out of her mouth, and not directed at me. I guess what that little icon of Alice is right, the hardest thing you will ever have to do is what the one you love, love someone else."

But you know what? I'm not sad and all depressed about it. Yeah, I was at that moment, but to be honest, I stopped and thought about it all on the way home. He is better for her then I ever could have been. First of all, he can take her places that I never could while the two of us were dating. He has a paying job, something I didn't have at the time, all I had was that shit hole store that I wasn't getting paid at, and carting my dad around, for nothing but gas money.

Second, he lives much closer to her. This means that he can spend much more time with her. Something I couldn't do, especially when she had to drop out of school.

Third, I bet he doesn't treat her like an annoyance, like a stand in for someone else, which I did. I also placed quite a bit of the emphisis of our relationship on the physical aspect, which probably made her feel used and unappreicated. Mind you all of these things that I did, I fully regret ever doing to her, and most of them I stopped before the end of the relationship, except for the physicality.

So to be honest, I wasn't fully to blame for the break up, which makes me feel a lot better and a lot happier for her, knowing that I wasn't the main cause of the break up, well at least in my mind. So yeah there were a few tears when I realized that that would more than likely be the last time I ever hold her in my arms and feel her warmth, or ever get to spend time with her, but eh, what can I do? Can't feel like shit about it forever.

I talk to Katie almost everynight now, which means that things are hopefully going good for us as we get to know each other better. She lives a lot closer to me, and I have learned my lesson from how I treated Carly. So hopefully things can go well for us, especially now that I have made peace with the four biggest self-confidence problems in my life. Things are now starting to look up for me, but I'm not going to get my hopes up... there are still a few guys in Katie's life that I don't know the whole score on, plus I'll manage to screw that up somehow, or distance, or something will come along.

Anyway, I've got to work early in the morning so nite all!

I don't have much to say tonight.

Katie is more than likely scared off. We were discussing the fact that she thinks she can't get laid when ever she wants to. I disagreed, and went into detail about why I disagreed. then I guess I started to project my own problems on her, and started giving advice that was not asked for. I apologized when I realized what I was doing, and told her I'd talk to her when I got home. I get on, and she is gone. I'm starting to think that I'm purposely sabotaging my relationships with people, platonic or otherwise.

I really hate my job at meijer, I think they are just dicking with me now. Last night I worked from seven to midnight and that was bad enough. This saturday, which they already screwed up my schedule once, they moved my shift to 6pm to 1 am. Seriously, these people need to get a fucking clue.


As for seeing Carly, its going to happen Wednesday, a lot soon then I thought, simply because I have to work Sunday. I just want to have a good time with her, I guess see her one last time before I move to Illinois.

I just got off work, and have been having a shitty day. So I'm probably going to keep this breif or I might not. Frankly I don't feel like giving a fuck right now.

I just finished working a 15 hour day with only one fifteen minute break. I am seriously starting to hate this shit, but there is nothing I can do. I might as well sit down and let life continue to fuck me in the ass.

I got a surprise phone call today. It was from Carly, she was basically just checking up on me. She has been reading this blog, so she wanted to see how things were. To be honest, I now think I'm going to end up being self-consious about what I write in here that pertains to her, which I don't want to do. I want this to be as open as I can make it.

I know I say this a lot, but I really miss her. She told me not to dwell on how I fucked up our relationship, but its really hard not to when she was the only person I ever told that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The only person that I can say I truly loved. When you care for someone that much and fuck it up, its hard not to dwell on that failure.

I know it is useless to think about all this now, but after a year, it still bothers me. Sigh...  She said that all she can offer me is her friendship. I know that I can't expect her love, especially after what I did to her, but I don't know if I could ever just be her friend. She's probably reading this thinking how pathetic I am, can't get over someone with this much time.

I know I screwed up trying to get a relationship with Alice an Faith while I was still with her. I made the mistake of thinking that I even had a chance with Faith and that Alice still cared for me. But what would have drove me to them? The only thing that I can think of was that it wasn't a struggle to spend time with them outside of LCC. Then again I was going to teach her to drive and put the money her dad was going to pay me off on the side so that the two of us would have had a little money saved up that would help us start a life together, but neither happened, or will.

Why are relationships the predominate factor in all this? Why doesn't my mind work this hard on anything else?

I've been talking to Katie quite a bit since our date, she is the one that gets a hold of me whenever I'm on, so I must have made a good impression. But to be honest it is still hard for me to begin to think about a serious relationship with her knowing that she is more than likely out sleeping with her other friends. Then again, I would probably fuck that up as well.

Drew got a hold of me today, she apologized for the way she acted. I don't exactly know if I forgive her. What she did really hurt me, it feels like she was just getting rid of me to make Casey happy. If that is the case, I would like to know. I can never be as close of a friend to her again either way. She knew that if she had a problem with anything I said or did, to just tell me, and I would knock it off. So maybe she didn't know as well as she said she did, or I thought she did.

Whatever, I'm fucking depressed.

I ended up sleeping most of the day today, so I might as well start with yesterday.

Yesterday was the big day, the day I finally got to meet Katie face to face. To be honest I was a little more than nervous. First of all, I'm late because the cops in Mason are dicks and one wanted to give me a hard time. He pulled me over, to "Check if I had my seat belt on." Which obviously I did. Then he had to run all my information. I ended up being ten minutes late for the movie.

When I finally got there, came the second problem. The place was full of people. and I had no idea what Katie looked like aside from some blury pictures of her face. So I sat outside and noticed that there was a girl that kept looking at me and walking by. I figured to myself that if I couldn't find Katie, I would ask this girl to dinner. Luckily, it turned out that was Katie!

We watched Wall-E which was an awesome film. I might go out and buy it on DVD when it comes out. I do have to admit that it was difficult to pay attention to the film. Katie was beautiful, definately worth the wait. Her eyes, just seemed to sparkle, and she had the most unique voice. I can't she why she hates it, it sounds so sweet.

Then came dinner, and then the end of the night. I got a hug at the end of the night, and then again at the gas station. I know it isn't much, but at this point anything is a victory for me.

When I got home, she got a hold of me on the internet, and made sure that I got home ok. I couldn't help myself, so I asked her for a second date. And she said yes. I plan on taking her to my favorite arcade as she said that would be a more suitable date for her, than dinner and a movie.

Sigh, I wish I didn't have trust issues. I wish that I could trust someone's intentions but when Alice let me live that lie, like everything was ok, and that I still had a chance to get back to her. It is hard. Now I question everyone's intentions, like they are all trying to spar my feelings.Not to mention, the fact that she told me today that she has a hard time keeping platonic friends doesn't give me a lot of hope. I hope I can get over that. I really do enjoy hanging out with Katie. But maybe I'm getting my hopes up.

As for today, it sucked execpt for that fact that I got some good vibes talking to Katie. But work just sucked, and my mind just kept bothering me. Telling me that the only reason that anyone really pays any attention to me is so that when I do finally go off the deep end, they can say that they at least tried to hlep me, or that they weren't part of the problem. Plus like I said part of me is having a hard time looking towards the future, and all the problems Katie will bring with her, if we do have a future together. I need to learn to cross that bridge when I get there.

This one is early today, mainly because I know I will forget it later, and to be honest I'm not in a very good mood right now.

I really don't feel so right about Katie right now. I'm in a world of self doubt. I don't think I'm good enough for her, and more than likely this will be our first and last night out together. I know I said it before, but this whole dating game shit is getting old, and it only leads me down a path of self loathing and doubt.

First of all I'm surprised that she hasn't canceled tomorrow. That amazes me, especially with the way she talks about sleeping with other people. I know that there is nothing serious with us, but still that just makes me uncomfortable about myself. I know that if these guys were good enough for her to call them after breaking up with them, then they more than likely have something that I won't. Once again it will be a case of the Alpha Male over the nice guy that is trying.

That's all I can do is try. There is nothing special about me. I was always told that I'm a sweet guy, one of the sweetest people know, but only in this light do I truly see that everyone trying to meet someone is a nice guy, a sweet guy. People are only trying to spare my feelings.

In fact part of me feels that she is only doing this because she feels sorry for me. She knows that I have self-confidence issues, and that I constantly leave myself vulnerable. So my mind is telling me that she is doing this, just so I don't feel bad about scaring her off before the first date.

Then I start to find myself pathetic, getting myself all bothered like this over what? A name on a screen? A person without a voice? Why can't I keep from getting my hopes up, that has gotten me in so much trouble in the past that I should be an emotionless robot right now.

I just have a feeling this is going to end bad, very very bad.

I'm pretty much done trying to find someone for me. There is no one.

Fuck, I'm even starting to scare off my friends. Now I'm reminded why I started this blog, I remember why I made this pact. I hate myself. And death would be so much better than a lifetime with my worst enemy.

Alright, so I missed another or a couple or whatever. Like I said, it is getting harder and harder for me to write these. Maybe because things are actually going well and I don't really feel like ending it right now.

Yesterday was another boring day. Not much went on, I bought grocieries for the family for the first time in my life. Felt good about it. Though it was difficult to try and keep everyone's dietary restrictions in mind.

I worked until midnight that night. I spent most of the night watching MST3K. God how I miss that show. I really want my own Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and maybe Gypsy if I have the money and time to build all of them. But that would only come if I'm able to build my own home theater.

The only other thing that happened that day was that I got a hold of Katie. She didn't think anything about me questioning her booty calls. So that's good. And she told me to call her on Thursday to figure out our plans for that day.

I'm still hating my job at Meijer.But that is nothing new.

Aside from all that nothing has really been going on. I've kinda been thinking about Carly and how I screwed that relationship up. But I really don't dwell on it. Mainly I think about it because she wants to hang out with me, but I'm afraid to face her, especially knowing that Jake is better than me in everyway possible.

I've also been thinking a little about what is going to happen if things go well with me and Katie and we lose it. Chances are I'm going to enter another deep depression realize that there truly is no one out there for me, which I still believe. Then I also thought about losing her before we even start anything. That has also got my mind wandering a bit, again into the hopelessness direction.

There was something else that has been screwing with my mind over the past few nights. Katie told me that she doesn't like dead people. Which I can completely understand. So here I come to a cross roads, do I continue on the path to morticain's school if things go well with me and her. And if I do what do I do about us? Should she come with me, wait for me here, or what? And would she feel comforatble living in a funeral home?

Or Do I go elbows over asshole in debt and go to medical school?

I don't know.

Again I missed a date in this journal. Oh well, deal.

Today was a good day. I woke up, did some stuff on my computer and then went to work. From there, I came home after dropping some garbage at my dad's store.

I went back over the conversation that Katie and I had together the other day, and found that I over reacted. She was not upset. infact she tried to get a hold of me today, but missed me as I had other things to take care of.

I did have a thought today that did kind of bring me down. As very few people know, my best friend in the world is my mother. She has been there for me through thick and thin. And the thought that came to me was one of a chirstmas a while ago when we moved in with my stepfather. We were opening gifts and my brother got something. He opened it up and looked at the words "Imagination Set" on the side. Before ever looking at what was in the box, he looked at my mother and told her "I hope you know I will never play with this." That just makes me feel bad for her whenever I think about it. How my mom and Eric went through the trouble of finding something my brother might enjoy and he just says that too them. Sigh. Then again he did eventually play with it. I guess his thoughts was that it was some Barney the Dinosaur thing, when all it was a farm playset. I still don't like thinking about all that, because that is just something you don't say to your mother on Christmas, and I could just imagine how she felt about it.

Just thoughts.

You know to be quite honest, I keep finding it harder and harder to sit down and write these things. I have no idea what it is.

Today felt like the world had continued to fall to shit around me. I managed to piss of Katie, the girl I mentioned last night. I won't get into the reasons that I did, or how I did as that is about her and not me. Lets just say that what I talked about last time came up, and it pissed her off.

Anyway the rest of the day was pretty bad as well. I still hate my job at Meijer and hate it more after today. I was feeling pretty stressed out, having pissed of one of the few potential mates I have left in this god forsaken world. So I took my fifteen minute break somewhere I thought I would be alone. Unfortuntely the manager at the time in that end of the store decided that it was a perfect time to bother me. If I want to be alone with my thoughts why the hell can't people just leave me alone?

I was talking to Halene today and found out that she knows Faith. Halene told me that I should ask Faith out. Haha, if only she knew. Come to think of it, I wonder if I still have those blogs up somewhere. The laptop that had all the other diary entries has crapped out so those aren't ever going to come back.

On a similar topic. I actually just got a hold of Halene to talk to her, instead I ended up "using her shoulder to cry on". I hate that all I can do is fall apart around her.

Again no responses from the dating websites that I have been trying. The truth is, it's not the lack of romantic attention that is depressing me. It's partly that I feel so weak for feeling like this. That I need someone in my life. I looked at the pamphlet again about the mortician's school. It keeps looking better and better. Chicago is bigger, much bigger. With more people, that will just end up disappearing though...

I'm so fed up with me, well if things keep up like this, there are only a few hundred more days to go. At least it's not sixty plus years.

Well, here we are once again.

Today was a basic day for me. I woke up, went with my mom to go pat some bills, came home.

The only thing that I did was that I bought a new laptop to replace my old and busted one.. That's another 500 dollars that I don't have.

I've been tryng to get my love life back on track. I took out an ad on craigslist. But so far there has only been one reply worth while from there. Mostly the rest are just spam and trap e-mails. I put a profile up on okcupid as the mention of Halene, one of my es's-type thing. I did get a response from one of the females that I tried to get a hold of there, but after the first couple there seem to be no other words. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected much.

As for the person from Craigslist. I put up an ad a while ago as well. My second one in fact. I got a response from a girl named Katie. Everything seems to go great when the two of us talk. She has a lot of the same problems I do, is also on medication for depression and such. We were supposed to meet a few times already but something came up both times. Weither it was her nerves or not I have no idea.

Here's the thing. I am beginning to think that there is something wrong. It may just be me, but to me there is something up. Women don't like me, they don't get along with me, they can always find someone better, and usually do, especialy ones attractive as her. So something has to be up. Either A.) I'm going to be a rebound boyfriend and nothing more. B.) She is using me to make her ex jelous to ger him back(she has already claimed to have ex-boyfriend issues.). C.) She is just doing this to get some poor sucker to take care of her. I really don't want to think this about her, but I feel like I need to prepare myself for these senarios , because more than likely they are going to happen. Damn I'm nervous.

Fuck, it's over a week before I get to meet her face to face for the first time. I hope things go well, and I hope I don't end up getting screwed over, but I'm at a point where I'm so lonely that any romantic contact is good contact. Ot maybe not and we may get a repeat performance of Sunday night.

Sorry, I missed last nights log entry. I was going trough withdrawl of my medication, because I got to drunk and forgot to take it, the night before. But I'm better now and life is looking good.

I've got back in touch with Katie. We discussed a lot about who we are and shared are weaknesses with each other. She's a lot like me, so she understands a lot of the shit I'm going through. God, I hope she is real. I hope this isn't just some joke.

Anyway. I'm over what happened with Drew. She can go fuck off for all I can. Anyone that lets someone in South Carolina control their life that much is not someone I want to be around.

Basically what happened is that she found the idea of me calling her beautiful and tiger very offending. And that it was an act that I thought she was leading me on. I no longer care what she thinks or why she thinks it. If she wants to buy a plane ticket to see the guy she loves. Go for it. I have a life to get on with.

Because of my drunken stupor I made peace with a lot of people. So that makes me feel a lot better.

Anyway. I'm alive and feel great.

Drew told me that she never wants to hear from mw again. I have drank a bottle of Jack. I have nothing left in this shit hole. Fuck this town. Fuck threse people, fuck your god or whiever is running this madhouse. i don't know if I'll make it to morning... sorry jum, i know you tried, but this life just is terrible. Nothing I do works out for me. I hate this place. I hate these people. Everyone abadons me. I told you they do. I fuck everything up so bad. I never should have told her a dman thing. this isn't right. what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel like jus iving the fuck up. Np one wants me. No one wants to be neat me. So why live>

edited: Fuck DREW! fuck her in that tight little ass. that I woudl fuck her in. but I don't think she does anal. what the fuck is up wit hanal anyway? serisously. that shis it where poop comes from. that is gross. I don't want poop on my weiener.

isigned

josh.

I just got back from the movies. I went to go see Hellboy 2 with, you guessed it, Drew. I still don't know why I do this to myself. Why I even think I have a chance. But something in my head won't let me quit. It also sucks that half the fucking movie was about freaks not being rejected by society, but still finding love within each other, or in a more acapctable member of society... I'm starting to sound like a broken record, like some little emo kid.

Sigh... I wish I could jsut be with her, there is nothing in my life that I would want more. But she already said that she doesn't want me, I need to just get that through my head. Through the whole movie I jsut wanted to reach over and kiss her, but she doesn't want me to. Case is a very lucky guy, even though he lives in the Carolinas..

My dad must have realized his mistake or something, becuase he is back to being his old self of getting stoned and sending me things that he thinks are funny but really are not. Seriously I wish that he would leave me alone. I guess that no one listens to what I have to say to them.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. Aside from the only thing that I've had to eat today is a bag of popcorn and a sprite.

I've been thinking about sharing this blog with my friends on Facebook, but don't know if I should. I feel that if I do, a lot of people that I don't want to worry about me will. I feel that if Drew reads it, she will think that I'm just pathetically obsessed with her.and disappear again... but then again that might be for the best. I don't know, I guess that is one of the best things about a lot of people that I hardly ever see or hear from reading this. Then again, you're probably all jsut a bunch of bots just looking to find a place to place your ads.

I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow. I'm working from 9am-11pm, with the magic of having to clean that fucking prep room. God, I wish they would just fire me or a better job would come along. But nothing comes along easily for me. If it did I wouldn't be here.

Feel free to comment...

Alright, the 10th of July has come and gone.

To be quite honest today was pretty good day. A friend of mine moved back to Michigan from the west coast. So it was nice to get to hang out with him today. We did some running around Okemos and did pretty much nothing all day.

I went to go see Jim today, he's my therapist. It was a good session. I believe that I may beginning to get a handle on where my problems seem to be steming from. A lot of them seem to be coming from a fear of being left alone and forgoten by my friends and those I care about. This appears to be coming from the fact that my father basically got my hopes up and torn them down my whole life.

I can also say, talking about that side of the family. It really doesn't bother me that he is pissed off at me. I know he is trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants me to do, like his mother did to him. Well, I'm tired of falling for it. I'm really tired of getting walked on by him. To be honest, the only reason I started having a relationship with him again was because of the fact that I could take Carly over there to crash with me. That and he gave me money. Oh well, that ship has sailed.

I bought a new Cd that I have been waiting for today. I bought the new Otep CD. I fucking love that band. The lead singer has quite some talent, and she can write music very well also. Plus if you ever get a chance to read some of her poetry I would highly recommened it.

The rst of my day was pretty good, nothing much happened but that is usual and feels kind of like a good thing today.

I may try to see if Drew wants to go see Hellboy 2 with me. I know she was talking about it, so hopefully it will be good. I'm trying not to dwell to much on it and her, so I'll stop talking about her now.

I noticed that 14 people came and visited this journal today, which is good. Hopefully those people will tell others and word will spread. Speaking of which I would like to let people know that this journal is also viewable on myspace.
Umm... I'm on sleepy time pills so sleep is coming to get me. Maybe I'll write more tom

To be quite honest, today was actually an ok day. Like a few day's before it nothing really happened. Well, nothing really happened after I woke up.

I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. My mind just keep running and running. I was thinking about my ex Carly. She was honestly everything I could have wanted in a girlfriend. Fun, beautiful, easy going as all hell, and she enjoyed many of the same things I did. But I went and fucked that up so bad. Why couldn't I have been happy with just her? Why did I still have to have Faith and Alice on my mind? Why did I have to be the horn dog that I was? Once again I proved that I was a failure at life and at handling relationships. Once again, I get something fantastic in my life and I pissed it away. I really wish I could go back and treat her the way I should have. But to be quite honest, I don't think I would have been able to hold onto her. I think she would have found someone better looking and more fun than me and I would have been kicked to the curb. Maybe this is for the best, and I deserve to be alone.

This all got me thinking about Drew again. Maybe its a good think that I'm not nor will I ever be with her. I think I would fuck it up as well. I'd probably go off and try to find someone else and not be happy with what is right in front of me. Who knows maybe Katie made the right choice in avoiding me all together.

You know, I'm happy that they both have someone to make them happy. I guess if I were them I would never have given me the time of day, so maybe I'm lucky just to be able to talk to them. You know Drew told me the other day that I'll find someone, and though I denied it to her, I have to admit. She's right. I will find someone then I'll fuck up with them and be where I am now.

I don't know. I guess with the way things have gone with all my girlfriends I'm only good for being a transitional boyfriend and shouldn't even bother anymore with anyone.

Another person is starting to disappear from my life. That would be my father. In truth I honestly don't care. He was never really a big part of my life outside of the fact that he always tried to buy mine and my brother's love. I'm glad that I've grown up enough to notice that he does that.

Well, he sent me some text messages today saying that he feels sorry for me not "being raised better than that." And by that I mean having to work and not being spending time with him. In truth he's right, because it was him that taught me that! It was him that basically taught me that work, and drinking, and doing drugs should come before your family. All the nights I can count where he left me and my brother home alone so he could go out and party with his friends, or the nights where he would say that he would be coming to pick me and my brother up, only to probably be sitting around drinking beer and smoking pot, and leave us hanging. How does it feel you old bastard? I hope it feels good.

But you know, he was the last person on that side of the family that really wanted any contact with me.

Whatever. Just more people leaving me alone.

Once agian another day, just pissed away. Frankly I didn't feel like facing the world, so I slept in until about 5:00pm. Then I went to work and did my best to jsut hide in the back and do meaningless work so I didn't have to face customers. Who wants to deal with someone like me? Exactly.

Other than that I got my shit jumped for taking off early. Which mind you I don't do, he was jsut jumping everyone's shit for it. In fact, I left thirty minutes late tongiht making sure that everything looked nice and ran soothly for tomorrow's crew. But what the fuck ever, the little guy doesn't need to be thanked for doing the shit jobs. Plus it's not like on the 20th I'm coming in after my other job and staying until about 12 maybe 1 in the morning making sure its all good.

I think people are starting to avoid me again. Everytime I log onto my computer a few people log off. I try to talk to people and they all seem like they have something better to be doing. Hell, I remember when I used to be able to sit on here for hours on end and just talk about nothing, or when someone was being bothered by something they would come ot me to talk. Now, I'm sitting here, watching shitty movies all alone. Then again why would people come to me when they need help, when I can't even help myself...I just hate the feeling in the back of my mind that everyone is abandoning me. Mightas well get used to it...

What is it about these movies that make them so awesome? I love watching explotation films. and shitty horror movies. They're just so bad they're awesome. I don'r know, fuck I guess I'm just rambling.